Counseling and Career Development Center

Helping a Friend

(From Tarleton State University's Student Development Center)

Friends are one of the most important aspects of college life. Who else can you call on to make a Wal-Mart run at 2 a.m.? Who else will listen to your sob story for the umpteenth time? There may come a time, however, when you become concerned about one of your friends. Maybe she is not getting up to attend classes. Maybe he has driven home from the bar drunk on more than one occasion. Maybe she has just lost a close family member. There are any number of reasons you may be concerned about a friend. Whether he or she comes to you with a problem or you identify unhealthy behaviors and make the effort to share your concerns, here are some proactive ways you can help your friend.

Listen - Empathize - Normalize

  • When a friend comes to you with a problem, don't automatically assume you are being asked to fix the situation. More often, your friend just wants you to listen, not judge or advise.
  • Be empathetic by putting yourself in their situation as an attempt to better understand your friend.
  • Accept your friend as a person, even if you do not agree with their behavior. Avoid being judgmental or reacting in a shocked or surprised by what is being shared with you.
  • Let your friend know that it is normal to want to lean on someone when times are stressful.

Avoid Keeping Secrets

  • Being someone's confidant can be an honor, but can also carry quite a burden. It feels good when a friend trusts you with their most intimate secrets.
  • They may even go so far as to ask you to "swear you will not tell another living soul." In many cases there is no harm in maintaining your friend's confidences. When that person is engaging in behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous to themselves or others, keeping that knowledge to yourself could be more harmful than helpful.

Sharing Your Concern - "Carefrontation"

It is important to understand that you are not responsible for your friend's behavior. However, if you are concerned for any reason you have the obligation to share those concerns, especially if it means keeping your friend out of harm's way. Here are a few tips to help make a smooth carefrontation:

  • Approach your friend in a gentle, caring, non-judgmental way. You may want to enlist the help of another friend for support.
  • Approach your friend when they are not currently engaging in the unhealthy behavior.
  • Focus on specific behaviors you observed. Avoid opinions, generalizations, value judgments, and labeling.
  • Use "I" messages and communicate your interest in your friend and his or her feelings.
  • Anticipate the individual's response (denial, minimization, promises to change, etc.) and avoid reacting to them.
  • Don't make decisions for your friend. What you might do in that situation may not be in your friend's best interest.
  • Your friend may not be ready to make positive changes.
  • Continue to offer support and give them time to think about what you have shared.
  • If the unhealthy behavior persists, plan a follow-up visit.
  • When your friend is ready, help them develop a plan of action.
  • Avoid allowing one person to consume all of your time and energy. If you are working harder than your friend to make positive changes, you may need to reassess your motivation and involvement with that individual.
  • Offer to accompany your friend to the Counseling Center.

Know Your Limits

  • The fact that your friend sought you out says that you likely possess the qualities of a good friend. However, in our efforts to be "loyal" to a friend we often do not recognize that we may actually be hurting them or perhaps fueling the problem.
  • By not encouraging your friend to seek assistance from someone better trained to help them you may be contributing to an unhealthy situation.
  • If your friend is in crisis (e.g., talking about suicide, endangering him/herself or others), contact the Counseling Center (478-5541), or the the Campus Police (478-5234), or the local police (911).

Find Support for Yourself

  • Your friend's situation may seem overwhelming to you or you may feel helpless to respond to their needs. If this is the case, you should not expect yourself to handle it alone.
  • You may not always know exactly how to help your friend, or even what resources are available. That is okay, because there are others on campus that do have that information.
  • Talk with your professors, your resident advisor, a staff member, a professional in the Counseling Center, or other trusted individual. If they do not have an exact answer to your questions, they can refer you to someone who can.

The years attending college are often declared to be "the best times of your life". Help yourself and your friends live up to that expectation by providing support, encouragement, and holding one another accountable for healthy behavior. After all, it's a friend thing.

Counselors at the Counseling and Career Development Center are always interested in helping. If you need consultation about a friend, please come by or call us at 478-5541.